SECTION III - STORY TIME

Our Yule Wish To You - Arianne ShadowWalker
Authenticity - Beata
Mewsings from The Alley - Mystickally
Book of Shadows - By Phyllis Curott - Review by Midnight Grey Wolfpup
Fiona & Julian - What Child Is This? - Selene SilverWind
Winter Thoughts - Sea Star Turtle
Meagan and the Yule Solstice - Kat Dyer
Celebrating the Long Night - Michelle Belanger
My Friend the Tree - 'T'
Abigail - The Gift - Mystickally
Dragon Circle - Vixen Deamantra
Walking Between Worlds - Experiencing the Subtle Reality - Michelle Belanger
Witness - Beata

Our Yule Wish To You
By Arianne ShadowWalker

I walk around my ritual room,
And sit in my old comfy chair.
I look back on the past few months,
And remember the Circles there.

There has been Oak and Ash,
As well as Ivy and leaves from fall.
Cornicopias filled with fruits and nuts,
And even haystacks against the walls.

We've celebrated many events here,
Ranging from the good to the bad.
A handfasting complete with silver rings,
And the passings that made us sad.

We went 'tween the worlds at Sowen,
Sharing memories through the veil.
And greeted many new friends,
With a 'Well Met, and Hail!"

And now, with the chill of winter,
And flakes of softly falling snow.
I look around with a full heart,
As I wonder where is left to go?

I jump from my chair with a giggle,
And my robes whirl in a spin.
"Why that's easy," I think,
"We welcome the Sun God in!"

Others of my group slip in,
And head for boxes stacked.
We sing Pagan Carols and laugh,
As we get our decorations unpacked.

Our Yule tree is soon standing,
Covered with popcorn, and twinkling lights.
And underneath it, gifts are piled for all,
In wrapping paper shining and bright.

Holly and ivy soon deck our walls,
And on the altar, candles green and red.
Then the Yule log to light our fire,
As thoughts of friends enter our heads.

We wonder, how to let them all know,
Our wishes for them this year.
And our eyes twinkle as we think,
Why, we'll share our Yuletide cheer!

Soon the Circle is surrounded with candles,
And we chant "Bring Back The Light."
As we call out our friends' names,
Our voices echoing into the night.

We take turns lighting those candles,
Blessing each with heartfelt love.
And soon the room is filled with light,
As we send our energies above.

For those on mailing lists far and near,
For all the Crones, and Wolfpup too.
For any Path, Trad, or chosen Belief,
This is our wish for all of you.

The Learning Circle here in Indianapolis,
Phoenix Rising members, kith and kin.
Send you all our Seasons Greetings,
Merry Yule until we Merry Meet Again!

(c) Dec, 1999, by Arianne ShadowWalker,
Priestess of Phoenix Rising Learning Circle

Authenticity
By Beata

Why doesn't anyone want to look
at my real face?

I'm constantly covering it up,
smoothing it over,
toning it down
lifting it up
pushing my real face underneath
with delicate fingertips.

How many pieces
of myself
have become layered
like rock under me. ?
Sediment of my soul settled
silent, still
in crevasses,
creases ceasing only
at my seams.

I excavate,
collecting myself
as dried pieces of parchment;
delicate, crisp.
Fragile fingers familiar
with these old odd flakes,
fondle and fold them finally
into long lost places.

Mewsings from the Ally
By Mystickally

It's about that time again! Christmas trees, colorful lights and mistletoe surround you. Holiday shopping is rampant! Pagans fight the urge to yell out to Christians, "If it weren't for our Yule traditions, you would never have had Christmas!!" During this time, we want to go celebrate the Sabbat with friends and family. Traveling is inevitable, but what will become of our beloved feline furries?

If your fur-baby hates to travel, a pet sitter is the purrfect alternative to forcing them into the car. If you're like me and you just can't bear to leave without them, how do you travel with a cat? Well, you have come to the right place, because I have traveled with a cat. In fact, I've traveled cross-country with 16 cats! How do I do it? With patience <g> and a lot of treats for the end of the trip! Fortunately a majority of "The Pride" enjoys traveling. Aside from being a Certified Veterinary Technician, I rescue feral cats. All members of The Pride are rescues, mostly from the street, but a few from abusive situations. Some of them are a bit high strung when it comes to leaving the comforts of home, but we manage.

An example of our travel ritual looks like this: Gustav, the alpha-male of The Pride, is very comfortable being in the car. (Keep in mind that we have a tiny little 1993 Nissan Sentra!) He watches out the window until we get onto the Interstate. He'll then promptly fall asleep in a warm spot…or the nearest lap. Tabitha, the alpha-female, keeps watch over the younger ones and makes sure they are all comfortable and not frightened. Sebastian, the Priest, sits calmly, as if to show to the others, an example of the proper way to act in the car. Onyx, the first feral we rescued from an abusive situation, is a true scaredy-cat, and will hide as best she can. She doesn't completely panic, but one look into her eyes will tell you just how scared she is during the trip!

Chris does what he does best; he SLEEPS through every imaginable noise possible. Worf, although a male, will act as Mother Hen, comforting and grooming everyone. Jaycee sleeps with Chris, preferably "on" Chris! Dax and Jadzia, the first set of littermates, are the problem kitties. They run around the car like chickens with their heads cut off. They "Merrrrrroooooww!" as loudly as they possibly can for the first hour of the trip. Lucky, found wandering the streets, will sit with Onyx. Samantha, who is partially blind, stares out the window, while Petey and Salem lay snuggled next to her, sleeping soundly. Taz sleeps in my lap as his littermate Spaz snuggles with his surrogate mother, Lucky. Last, but not least, Biscuit, the most feral of the bunch has his back firmly up against the carrier we leave out for the scaredy-cats.

I survive these car trips with a few necessary items: a litter box placed securely on the floor behind my seat, 2 or 3 carriers big enough to accommodate at least 1 or 2 cats in each (for the scaredy-cats, so that they have a safe and secure hidey-hole) a few blankets, some toys, and most importantly, Feliway (a natural feline pheromone that aids in making the cat feel more comfortable and relaxed) and some Bach's Flower Essences called Rescue Remedy (a natural remedy to aid in calming the pet). I prefer these natural alternatives to chemicals like those found in a tranquilizer. During every stop, I offer some water. Liquids are *VERY* important! Also keep in mind that feeding your cat the night before you travel may not be a very good idea if you want to avoid car sickness, or worse yet, little Tootsie Rolls in the litter box! Don't forget to bring their recent shot records and a kitty first aid kit, filled with triple antibiotic cream, ace bandages, bottled water, a septic pencil to stop any excess bleeding, nail clipper, a collar and lead, and lots of treats! I've done this every time I have to leave for long periods of time. These journeys have included 2-day trips from Pennsylvania to Texas, and regular 8 hour drives from PA to New York. I have never had a problem with the Pride while traveling!

Please also realize that in the hot spring and summer months, (and also in the freezing cold months) leaving your cat, or any animal, in your car even for 5 minutes, can be deadly! Not only are you risking suffocation or worse, but also it adds to their stress when you leave your fur-babies alone. Please try to avoid it!! My methods may not always work with a cat that truly hates to travel. A good way to lower the stress of traveling is to take the cat on small trips around the block or to some neutral location in order that the cat may understand the fact that a car trip isn't always a trip to the vet! Rescue Remedy helps a great deal, but if the mere site of your car frightens your cat, keep the cat in a carrier at all times, as near to a human as possible. You'll both be happier that way! Offer her water whenever you make a stop. Rescue Remedy can be found at most natural health food stores (GNC would be a great source!) and Feliway can be purchased from your veterinarian, or certain supply catalogs (one very reliable store is RC Steele at http://www.rcsteele.com)

If one of your cats is sick, but circumstances dictate that you must bring him along with the healthy ones, definitely keep the sick one in a carrier. Preferably the carrier should be a big roomy one that has enough space for: a small litter box, a blanket and a few toys and still have room for kitty to sit comfortably. We purrsonally use a carrier intended for medium sized dogs The extra expense and space is worth the fact that they'll have peace of mind (and you will too). If the sick kitty is contagious, keep a blanket on top of her carrier, but make sure there is proper circulation of air. Make your presence to them known as much as you can. If at all possible, make sure the others cannot reach in to the caged kitty, but if it's not possible, just make sure kitty is secured. 

When we traveled with our FeLV infected Catsby contact with the healthy cats was a MAJOR concern. Feline Leukemia can be transmitted through fighting where bites and scratches result, the sharing of food and water bowls, as well as mutual grooming. The Pride loves Catsby, so fighting wasn't a concern. Mutual grooming was what made me apprehensive, but after several trips, we were lucky that the only thing the cats wanted to do with Catsby was look at each other and play footsies. Keep in mind that for a sick cat, especially one with a disease like FeLV, travel can be stressful. Stress is a big no-no, so if you must take the kitty, make her as comfortable as possible, and try to alleviate all potential stressors.

By now you've arrived at your chosen destination with you and your Pride intact. After getting the animals settled in and making sure they are all OK, spoil the little ones with wet canned food, fresh ice cold water, treats, belly rubs, and loving in general. And if you have cats like ours, let the ones with attitude give you a proper butt-chewing. Make sure you apologize afterwards for the indignity you put them through! Most of all, have fun and enjoy your holiday! Blessed Yule!!!

Book of Shadows
By Phyllis Curott
Review by Midnight Grey Wolfpup

I was contacted by a wonderful person from Broadway Books, a division of Random House Inc to review a book on Wicca by an author that I knew nothing about. Boy was I in for an adventure. First, Phyllis Curott is now a Wiccan High Priestess and she at one time was also a high-powered Manhattan lawyer. She’s also President Emeriti of the oldest and largest international religious organization in the Wiccan tradition, the Covenant of the Goddess. Her lists of accomplishments go on and on. Most important, she has the unique ability to write conversationally, a skill which many writers lack, and so very important in a book of this kind.

Book of Shadows a story of a beautiful young woman’s journey to finding herself, finding a path that feels right for her, and the ins and outs of Coven life. Written with great detail, the story is sometimes told from a skeptic’s point of view, but a she is a skeptic who seems to be fighting it all the way. The development of her Coven mates and their personalities makes you feel as if your there beside her, not reading mere words on a page. The detailed explanations of the rituals, Sabbath’s, gatherings, and even the herbs used in the incense leave you with a wealth of knowledge. At the same time she allows a look into her private life, and the lives of others in a way that teaches the three fold law, the value of the three faces of the Goddess (maiden, mother and crone) and many other important beliefs we all share. It leaves you setting back saying "we don’t send things out into the universe that are inherently bad, because nature has a tendency of giving you exactly what you ask for sometimes, and it’s going to return to you". The life of a beautiful young woman, a daughter, a lover, an initiate into a new Coven, and a high-powered lawyer. It’s her story, one that she tells very nicely, but one that could be ours as well.

This is a book that provides a service to a broad spectrum of people. Because of the detail and ease of reading, it provides an important source of information to those new to the path, so I would recommend it to beginners whole-heartedly. It provides an invaluable source of information to those deciding on joining a Coven, because you can read about her first-hand experiences. It’s also a wonderful book to give to a spouse or loved one that is concerned with Wicca, and what it stands for. Our beliefs, views, and practices are right there for all to read. As an added bonus, you also get a wonderful story written by someone who goes from fighting the unions in court to loving life to it’s fullest and loving every minute of it.

I commend Broadway Books for their foresight in publishing this book and to Phyllis Curott for having the skill to put into words such wonderful and informative thoughts. I personally consider her one of the "Next Generation" of Wiccan authors. She’s a keeper. :-)

Blessings, warmth and love ....
Midnight Grey Wolfpup

What Child Is This?
By Selene Silverwind
Slvrwind@aol.com

As Yule drew closer and Fiona became rounder of belly, she decided that it was once again time to decorate the apartment for the holidays. She pushed herself off the couch and tottered towards the storage closet, cradling her belly to support the weight of it. "You need to go buy a Yule tree," she said to Julian as she left the room.

"I do?" Julian asked, spinning in his chair to see what had prompted the abrupt declaration.

"Yes. I'm going to get out the decorations, and I'll need a tree to put them on."

Julian chuckled and moved to the hallway. "You sit down. You can't get the decorations out by yourself," he said. Fiona toddled back to the sofa and sank into its welcoming cushions while Julian carted the boxes out of the closet. Once he had carried all the boxes to Fiona he snatched up his jacket and headed out the door. "I'll be back in a few minutes with a tree." Fiona nodded and began the task of unwrapping the ornaments while she waited for Julian's return.

Thirty minutes later, Julian was back, wrestling a six-foot noble fir through the door in front of him. Fiona pointed toward a corner and he shifted and shoved the tree in its stand until it was upright, not tilted, with the bushy side facing towards the room. Positioning the tree had worked up a thirst in Julian and he disappeared into the kitchen, returning with a glass of eggnog for each of them.

"Don't worry, I'll put all the decorations up," Julian said.

"No. I can put some on lower branches," Fiona said. "But first you have to put the lights on."

Julian began the long process of wrapping the colored lights around the green branches under Fiona's watchful eye and continual suggestions that he fill in the empty spots with lights. When she was satisfied with his work, Fiona pushed herself off the couch again and moved toward the tree to arrange the ornaments on the middle branches of the tree that she could reach without bending too far or straining too much.

Pretty soon the middle of the tree was thick with ornaments and Julian intervened, suggesting that he finish placing the ornaments under her direction. Fiona agreed and settled on the couch to rest while she dictated where Julian should hang the remaining ornaments. Sometimes he listened, sometimes he didn't, but the tree branches were soon heavy with shimmering glass balls and painted wooden figurines.

Julian moved to the couch to finish his eggnog and admire his handiwork. He put one arm around Fiona and she rested her head on his shoulder as he placed a soft kiss on her forehead. "Good job, sweetie," he said.

"You missed a spot," Fiona said, inspecting the tree from her spot on the sofa.

"No I didn't," Julian said.

"Yes, right in the very middle, there's a big hole."

Julian glanced at the tree. "No, there isn't," he insisted, returning his gaze to her with a mischievous glint.

"I can see it," Fiona said, peeling herself off the couch and moving to the tree to reposition an ornament and fill in the spot. She returned to the couch as Julian got up and moved the ornaments back where he had originally arranged them. Fiona sighed with exasperation.

Julian sat back down with Fiona and caressed her swollen belly. "You can decide when you get here," he said to the child inside.

Fiona giggled and rolled her eyes. "Put a little pressure on him why don't you?"

Julian nodded and silenced her needling with a kiss until they melted into each other's arms to show each other their love as best they could at Fiona's advanced stage of pregnancy.

"I think we should have our families over for Yule again," Fiona said during breakfast a week and a half before the holiday was upon them.

Julian nodded over his cornflakes, "Good idea."

Fiona rose from the table and waddled over to her terminal. On the way, she stopped to fill in the hole on the tree that Julian recreated every time she fixed it, then collapsed her heavy swollen body into the chair. She reached her arms around her ready to burst belly and called up her messaging program. Waiting in her box was a note from Vyviane. Fiona brought it down and skimmed it, calling out to Julian, "Mom already beat us to it. She invited us down to the village for their winter celebration."

Julian looked up from his breakfast. "Are you sure that's a good idea?"

Fiona waved away his concern and said, "I'll be fine. I made a deal with the baby that he won't come till after Yule."

On the morning of Yule, Fiona learned that expectant mothers can't make deals with unborn children eager to greet the world. Her contractions had started the day before and by the time the sun was beginning to peek over the horizon, her contractions were four minutes apart. She padded into the bedroom after having been awake all night and nearly knocked Julian out of bed with what she thought was a gentle push. Bleary-eyed, Julian looked up at her. "What?"

"It's time. He's coming. We have to go to the hospital."

In an instant, Julian was out of bed and racing around the apartment like a white rabbit late for his appointment with the Queen of Hearts. He ran first into the closet and got her suitcase, then out to the living room for the midwife's numbers, then back to the bedroom for Fiona, who was dressing for the trip.

"There's no time!" Julian cried, hustling her toward the door.

Fiona resisted and moved back toward the closet. "My water hasn't even broken yet," she said, pulling a sweater off a shelf. Julian hemmed and hawed while he waited for Fiona to get ready to go, glancing at his watch repeatedly, thinking he should be timing the contractions or something, except he had no idea when the first contraction had been, having been awakened so rudely by Fiona after it had already ended.

Finally Fiona was ready and Julian ushered her out the door, half-carrying, half-supporting her as they shuffled down to the PRT station and punched in their destination. The car zipped off and Fiona let out a cry as another contraction hit her. Julian moaned as she squeezed his hand just a smidge too tight and thanked the City for its coaching classes. Next time he would make a fist like they had taught him in their birthing classes.

They arrived at the hospital and went directly to the birthing area to check in. The nurse took them to a private room and told them the midwife would be in soon. As they waited, another contraction hit Fiona and Julian watched feeling helpless and anxious about whether or not he would be able to guide her through this.

The midwife came in and after a brief examination, told Fiona that she was at three centimeters and had awhile to go, but her water had broken, so it might not be too long. "But I didn't feel a whoosh," Fiona said.

"Oh, it doesn't have to be a great rush of water. It could have just been a slow trickle," the midwife said.

Fiona flushed a deep red as she recalled the wetness she had felt a day ago and thought she had wet herself. Every so often in her last few weeks she had been having little "accidents".

The midwife nodded in understanding and Julian told her the contractions were four minutes apart. "Good, good," she said. "Why don't we see if we can hurry things along. It will be easier for you if you move around, go for walks, sit up, talk, distract yourself from the pain while you can. The hospital has a beautiful indoor garden."

Fiona nodded and slid off the bed, pulling Julian along with her. "Are you sure that's a good idea?" he asked.

The midwife smiled and reassured him, "Don't worry, the baby won't come out without me."

Julian and Fiona walked through the garden for a short time, stopping to sit and breathe through Fiona's contraction, and admiring the holiday decorations strung from the trees and the bright white flowers and red amaryllis growing beside them in between her pains. When they were three minutes apart, she asked Julian to take her back upstairs. Julian hunted down a wheelchair and brought her back to the birthing area.

When they reached her room, Fiona asked Julian to call their parents and let them know they wouldn't be coming to the dinner party. Julian dialed Vyviane's number first and after a brief hello said, "We won't be able to make it tonight. Fiona's in labor." Julian had to hold the phone away from his ear as Vyviane shrieked into the mouthpiece and promised that she and Gregory would be right over. Julian delivered the same message to his own parents, who also informed their son that they would not miss the birth of their grandchild.

Julian padded back into Fiona's room where another painful contraction was rocking through her body. Another contraction followed the first one quickly and Julian knew from their birth class that this probably meant Fiona would be ready to deliver soon. He tried to help Fiona do the relaxation exercises they had learned and practiced, but nothing seemed to work. He grew more and more frustrated by his inability to help as her contractions came faster and faster until the midwife finally suggested that he step out of the room for a few minutes while they started Fiona's epidural.

He emerged from Fiona's room to find both sets of parents in the waiting room. They leapt to their feet as he walked through the doors and he motioned for them to sit back down, the baby hadn't come yet. Gregory and Eion reassured him that he was doing the best he could and it was a very difficult for a man to witness his beloved partner in such pain and not be able to fix it. A nurse came out to the waiting room and informed him that Fiona was transitioning and had asked that he return to the birthing room. An elated and panicked Julian jumped out of his seat and dashed back down the hall, with his eager parents and Fiona's excited parents calling out wishes for a speedy delivery.

When he arrived, Fiona was up on her knees, getting ready to begin pushing. He rushed to her side to offer his support as the midwife guided Fiona through breathing the baby out as they had learned in their birthing class. As Fiona struggled against her fear and her desire to stop labor and go home, she called out to the Goddess to help her through this difficult experience as She had helped so many other women before Fiona. Fiona felt a presence come to her and her fear eased a bit, allowing the birth to continue more smoothly.

With another last push, the boy's head pressed out and Fiona rested there, before breathing one more time to slide the child out completely. Julian helped Fiona settle into a sitting position as the child let out a wail to announce his arrival. Tears formed in the young couple's eyes as they peered over the nurse's shoulder at the tiny squalling person that was their son.

The midwife declared the child healthy and the nurse carried the newborn over to Fiona and set him in her arms. Fiona and Julian peered down into his face and stroked his soft cheek. Moments later, both sets of their parents were ushered into the birthing room to see their new grandchild.

"Do you have a name yet?" the midwife asked.

Fiona glanced up at her. "No, we wanted to wait until we saw him."
As they gazed down at the child who lay sleeping in his mother's arm in crinkled perfection, a name came to them at once. "Conall," they said, choosing the name of the mighty Celtic warrior and sorcerer.

"Conall," said their parents, nodding in agreement. A worthy name for the young child.

Julian took his son in his arms and looked down into this sweet face.
"Conall. My son. I hope you remember all the promises I made to you at Midsummer. I will keep them, I swear." Fiona watched as her husband cradled their son in his arms and memorized the image as one she would cherish over the years.

After the final stages of delivery were complete, Fiona and Julian were left alone in the room to bond with their son free of outside demands and learn the fine art of breast- feeding and diaper-changing. Their parents came to visit often and each took a turn holding their young grandchild.

Two days after Yule, Fiona and Conall were released and headed to their building to introduce the child to his new home. The young boy slept through the ride to the apartment and barely awakened as they stepped through the door with their new child. Julian set Fiona's bag by the door and watched as she carried Conall over to the tree to show him the bright colors.

The baby cracked open his eyes slightly as Fiona sat down next to the tree, still looking down at her son. From the door, Julian watched his family, and as he stood there imagining the future that lay before them, he recalled the two things he had kept hidden from Fiona until this day. He padded across the room toward the closet and dug out the box marked "For the Future." He removed the envelope he had slipped inside before they had moved and a small package that had found its way in there in recent weeks.

Fiona lifted her head as Julian approached bearing both items. He settled on the floor beside her and reached out his arms to take Conall from her so she could open the envelope and package. She turned the envelope over in her hands and glanced into Julian's eyes, recognizing the envelope as the one he had put in the box for the future. She unsealed the flap and slipped out a folded piece of paper. She unfolded the note and read the handwritten letter Julian had written to their son after they had agreed to start trying. Sentimental tears came into her eyes as she read the love letter to a baby. She had not known how deep Julian's emotions about fatherhood ran, but she would treasure the letter and keep it safe until Conall was old enough to understand the words written on the page.

She wiped her eyes and set down the envelope in exchange for the package. As Julian watched, she unwrapped the soft tissue and, with a sharp intake of breath, revealed a small ornament nestled inside. It was the image of the sun and moon surrounding a tiny star, the child created by Fiona the moon and Julian the sun. Underneath a tiny scroll bore the words, "First Yule". Fiona held the ornament tightly in her hand and leaned forward to hug Julian, being careful not to crush their own tiny star. She pulled away and smiled as she realized why Julian had insisted on leaving a hole in the center of the tree. She reached up and hung the ornament in exactly that spot, then settled back on the floor.

Julian handed her son back to her, then shifted around to sit behind her, his legs wrapped around hers and pulled her back against his chest, their son cradled against her chest, so he could hold them both in his arms where he could protect his family.

Fiona nestled down into Julian's welcoming embrace and slid her gaze back down to her son, awestruck that this perfect child had come from them and to them. Silently she made a prayer to the Goddess thanking her for all the gifts she had given Fiona.

Conall opened his eyes and peered into the faces of his mother and his father, both looking back down at him, their protective arms shielding him from the world and closed his eyes once more, knowing with the instinctive knowledge of a newborn that he was safe now and would be always in the loving home of his parents. He didn't remember now the promises they had made six months before, but in time he would because his parents would live them out every day for the rest of his life.

Winter Thoughts
By Sea Star Turtle (Lisa)
Fish_head_goddess@yahoo.com

It happens every day. I'll be sitting there and I'll get this chill and a feeling will sweep over me and overwhelm me like nothing else. It's so powerful I have to look down at my hands and make sure they're not shaking. I know it's Her. She brings cascades of snowflakes up to the windows and presses them there like tiny kisses that stay only a moment before they melt away. The sky is a welcoming blue and even though there is snow everywhere I look, I feel warm and loved as I stroll along, my shoes coaxing a crisp, raspy crunch every time I take a step. This time of year I can feel Her more than ever, standing present and demanding my time as I scurry about in a daze of work and worry. She spreads blankets of snow over the tops of the trees and brings laughter of children on the chilled gusts of wind that breathe the calm of winter into my lungs.

At a time when the Earth stops to rest, to breathe, I find that sometimes I forget to do the same, and She is there to remind me. She waits patiently outside the door, knowing that sooner or later I will wander outside and a trance will fall over me at the sight of a world so blank, a promising canvas waiting to be filled. I forget that I am all grown up, and I flop down into the snow to laugh as is draws me near. Playfully, I fling it around in little piles, watching it linger on my coat and then melt away almost as if it had never been.

Strange, but the icy embrace of the Goddess warms me more than any sultry summer day. I feel Her energy rising up in my like the tiny plants waiting to dart up from the dirt. The growth that is to come speaks volumes amid the silent soothing of the winter. We must learn to feel this, to become sensitive to the voice of the Goddess that waits patiently for us as we rush about, we must feel the energy of potential stirring deep within us as the winter chills our skin. We are a part of the season that cannot melt away, the silent, hidden expectation of the spectrum of life yet to come.

Meagan and the Yule Solstice
By Kathryn Dyer ©1991

Once upon a time there was a little girl named Meagan. She lived in a house that had lots of woods behind it. She lived with her mommy and daddy, her big brother Corwin and her beautiful cat named Starweaver.

Meagan loved to watch Starweaver play with the snow in the winter. He would try to catch the flakes as they came down from the sky. Sometimes he would get mad when the flakes would melt and then his tail would start swishing from side to side. Meagan's parents told her not to mess with Starweaver when his tail was swishing like that.

"When Star swishes his tail back and forth it means that he is mad or frustrated," said her father Michael, "and playing with him would be like someone teasing you when you're mad or don't feel good." Meagan could sure understand that! "What does frustrated mean Daddy?" she asked. "Frustrated is how you feel when you are trying very hard to do something and it won't work right. Like when you were learning how to dress yourself and you couldn't get your head through the neck of a shirt." explained Michael. Meagan knew just how that felt and she promised never to bother the cat when his tail swished.

But today Starweaver wasn't swishing his tail. He was following Meagan and Corwin into the woods and chasing shadows. Meagan and Corwin had gone down the path into the woods to gather green fir branches, mistletoe and holly. It was Christmas time and they were helping to decorate the house. Later they would go with their parents to pick out a live tree to decorate and then plant in the Circle behind the house. Meagan's family were Pagans, but they also celebrated Christmas when Santa Claus came.

Meagan's mother Elizabeth told her that many people would celebrate a God's birthday at the middle of the winter or the Yule Solstice. Meagan knew that the Yule Solstice was the longest night of the year. Of course, many Christians celebrated the birthday of Jesus at Christmas. But before there were Christians some people would celebrate the birthday of Mithras, one of the old Gods, or some of the other Solar Gods. Solar means that the God is in charge of the Sun and Light. Meagan could see how the sun would be very important in the cold of Winter.

Meagan's family celebrated two holidays in the winter. They would celebrate Christmas, which her mother said was Santa Claus's birthday and they would celebrate the beginning of winter which they called the Yule Solstice. Meagan thought that Santa Claus must be a very nice person to give other people presents on his birthday so she and Corwin always left him a piece of cake and some eggnog to drink.

Meagan and Corwin picked lots of branches to decorate the house with.  They tried to get fallen branches when they could but when they had to take them off a live plant they would ask the plant first and then thank it when they were done. Meagan had some crystals in her pocket to leave for the plants as a thank-you present. Corwin used the scissors when they had to cut something because he was older and Meagan's safety scissors might hurt the plant more. Corwin was always very careful not to cut more than they needed. They put all their branches into baskets that Elizabeth's mother Nana had made.

"Don't let Starweaver eat anything!" said Corwin, "Many plants can make cats and people sick." Meagan held her basket up higher. She didn't want Star to get sick! Corwin told her that soon she would get to go on walks with their father into the woods to learn about which plants were safe to eat and which were not. "Yes," said Meagan, "and then maybe Cindy's mom will show me how to make medicines!" Cindy was Meagan's best friend and her mother was an herbalist. Cindy's mother Anna made medicine, incense, make-up and lots of other things wit all kinds of plants and flowers. Sometimes Meagan would go with her mother when Elizabeth went to trade herbs with Anna. Then she and Cindy would have fun smelling all the herbs in Anna's workshop.

Soon Meagan's house was full of decorations. They made popcorn and cranberry strings to decorate the tree. Each year Meagan and Corwin would make a special ornament to put on the tree. This year Nana helped them make ornaments out of clay. Nana put the ornaments in her kiln, which is a kind of oven, so that they would get hard. Meagan loved her Nana very much. She always brought Meagan a surprise when she cam to visit. One time she had brought a little black kitten who grew up to be Starweaver!

One time Meagan asked Nana if she was a Pagan too. Nana said, "Oh, I'm half of one and a dozen of the other". Meagan couldn't talk about it to her other grandparents. Her daddy's parents Gramma Lee and Granpa Scott were very Christian and always asked where the children were going to Sunday school. Meagan had been to Sunday school a few times with Cindy because her parents wanted her to know about all religions. But she didn't tell Gramma Lee and Granpa Scott about the time she went to the Jewish temple or talked to her parents' Buddhist friend. She knew that they wouldn't understand and she didn't want to make them feel bad.

It seemed like no time at all before it was the night before Yule Solstice. Meagan's family had found a dead tree in the woods to use for a Yule log. They decorated it with greenery after Michael carved little suns onto it.  When it was ready they put it in the fireplace and put the piece of Yule log they had saved from last year on top of it. This year Jeremy, the Coven's High Priest, had to work on the Solstice so the Coven had decided to hold their ritual on the next Saturday. Meagan was excited, they would celebrate three days this year!

That night, Meagan's family had a big dinner and Nana came to stay the night. Elizabeth had talked to Cindy's mother Anna and she let Cindy come to spend the night too! Soon Elizabeth lit the Yule log and many candles around the room. Cindy and Meagan lay on the rug in front of the fire while Michael played his harp. They sang some songs that people in their Coven had written about the Yule. Cindy didn't know very many of the songs they sang but she tried to sing them anyway. This made Meagan giggle and so Cindy started to tickle her. They had a great tickle fight until Nana said that they were too close to the fire even if it had a screen.

Cindy and Meagan got to stay up past their bedtime and even got to have a cookie before they went to bed. They promised each other to meet after Santa came to play with their new toys. Meagan could hardly wait for Santa to get there! On Christmas Eve she and Corwin left out some coconut cake and eggnog for Santa. They left him a note wishing him a happy birthday and thanking him in advance for anything he might leave for them if he thought that they had been good. Meagan had tried to be good all year but it was very hard for her to go to sleep that night. She kept thinking that she heard reindeer on the roof.

The next morning Meagan got up and brushed her teeth. She could hardly wait to go downstairs but she had to wait until her parents and Nana were ready. Because Corwin was old enough he had gone down to the kitchen to heat water for tea and coffee. Meagan's mother and Nana would only drink herb tea but Michael said he had to jumpstart his mornings which always made Elizabeth laugh and tease him.

Once they got downstairs Corwin and Meagan rushed to see what Santa had left them while their parent's took pictures. After they were done, the whole family exchanged presents. Then it was time to visit Gramma Lee and Granpa Scott. It wasn't until the next day that Meagan had time to play with Cindy.

Since the Coven had chosen to meet on Saturday they decided to have a party all day. People began arriving early in the morning. Some of them had brought gifts for Meagan and her family who also had gifts for them. Meagan had made Jeremy a plate with a pentagram and runes around it spelling out his name with the clay her Nana had brought to make the Christmas decorations with.

"Thank you so much Meagan!" said Jeremy, "I will put this on my altar at home and everytime I see it I will think of you." Meagan felt very happy that Jeremy liked her present. Everyone had a good time. They all played games and sang songs. Michael played his harp. Corwin had gotten a new recorder for Christmas and played it for everyone. Sometimes people would stop for a little bit and go for a walk in the woods. Not everyone had woods behind their house like Meagan's family did.

It was getting to be time for the Circle to gather. Everyone took turns taking quick showers and baths to purify themselves. Meagan and Corwin helped decorate the Circle with greens and candles before it was their turn. They took their baths and put on their robes. The Coven was starting to gather in the Circle. There was a bonfire ready to light and two unlit candles waiting on the Altar. They would light the bonfire and the candles to help light the Horned Lord's way through the dark months of winter.

Robert blew a Horn and the ceremony started. When it came time for Cakes and Ale they passed out some special cookies that Nana had made for them. "I may not come worship with you," Nana said, "but I respect what you do and I would like to share a little part of it with you."

All too soon the ritual was over. Meagan was going to help clean up the Circle but her mother saw her yawning and sent her to bed. "Don't worry Meagan," said Elizabeth, "the grown-ups are going to stay up until the bonfire goes out and we'll clean up then. Go brush your teeth and get ready for bed and one of us will come tuck you in in a minute, o.k.?" "O.k. momma," yawned Meagan, "it's all been so much fun this week, I just can't stay awake any longer."

When Michael came up to tuck Meagan in she was already sound asleep and dreaming about the wonderful week she had had.

Celebrating the Long Night
By Michelle Belanger
SongOfWisdom@aol.com

In our mechanized, modern world, it is difficult to appreciate what the Winter Solstice meant for our forebears. In the past, winter was a time of great trepidation. The nights grew long, and the increasing darkness lent an ominous feel to a world already gripped with cold and bad weather. Food was hard to come by. You had what had been brought in from the harvest in the fall, but if that ran out, there was no local store on the street corner where you could easily replenish your supplies. That was it. No food and no chance to get any more until the coming of the spring.

Because of this, Midwinter night was at once a terrible and a joyous night for our Pagan ancestors. On one hand, it was the longest night of the year. It was when the darkness was at its strongest and the light -- and all things associated with it - were dangerously weak. On the other hand, if you could make it through midwinter night, you had crossed the major hurdle of winter. The light would begin to strengthen again, and the lengthening days would chase away the chill and the darkness. In this respect, midwinter was a festival which acknowledged the death of winter while at the same time celebrating the promised rebirth of spring.

Because of the inclement weather, everyone had to stay indoors during this holiday, and so it necessarily became a festival which all the family celebrated together. Everyone huddled close around their precious Yule fire, singing songs and telling stories to pass the dark hours, feasting and drinking to help them forget the real threat of starvation that winter always held.

These days, winter brings no threat of starvation, at least not here in the privileged West. Many of us might be struggling to make ends meet, but our tight purse strings hardly mean that there is no food to be had anywhere. Our gas stations and quickie marts alone have a collection of food that our ancestors would consider near miraculous. Sure, most of it's not any good for you, but even Twinkies and candy bars are better than the last husks of grain left in the bottom of a corn-bin. Could you imagine running down to the corner store some night in December only to find that everything on the shelves had been bought? And there weren't going to be any new deliveries until April, at the earliest? If you can wrap your brain around that, you might possibly be able to see why winter was such an anxious time for our ancestors.

I think one of the biggest challenges facing the modern Pagan is understanding - really understanding - the meaning of the different holidays in the Wheel of the Year. Our culture is terminally disconnected from nature. So much so that it's hard to even view winter as anything more than an inconvenience. The snow's a pain to drive through. The cold makes us all want to stay in doors. Shoveling the walk inspires daydreams of living in more tropical climes. Yet few of us have any appreciation that winter can and does kill.

In the past, our forebears had a tradition of burning a Yule log. James Frazer tells us that this is the wintry counterpart to the midsummer fires that were burned all over Europe on the longest day of the year. The Yule log was a specially prepared piece of wood that was believed to have magickal properties. The family would carve it in a special manner or bless it by dousing it in wine - the actual details of the tradition varied from country to country. But the essential purpose of the Yule log was to light the dark hours of the longest night. Christians often still retain this very Pagan tradition of the Yule log, building huge, crackling fires in their hearths on Christmas Eve.

The Yule log is all well and fine for those fortunate enough to own a house with a fireplace. Most Pagans that I know are lucky they can keep up on the rent for their apartment. And I have yet to come across an (affordable) apartment that has a working fireplace. So what on earth does a modern urban Pagan do to celebrate the Winter Solstice?

Since I try to help my coven get in touch with the real meaning of each festival, I've designed a midwinter ritual that embodies the death and rebirth motif of midwinter while also incorporating the traditional element of fire. It's meant to be celebrated in doors and an apartment, even one without a fireplace, is just fine. The ritual can be performed alone, but I've written it for at least two people, ideally a priest and priestess, but you can assign the roles to whomever you think fits.

I'm going to presume that you have an altar set up in your home and that you know how to call the corners and cast the circle. In addition to your usual tools for this, you will need several candles. I recommend red and green - red for blood (death) and green for growing things (rebirth). Six (three of each color) is fine if you're doing this ritual solo. Add a couple candles for each additional person who's participating, up to about a dozen candles. If candle-holders are an issue, don't bother getting tapers. Buy those cheap little votives that all the stores will be selling for Christmas anyway. You don't really need a candle-holder for these. You can just as easily set them on a plate or even in tin foil to catch the dripping wax. Remember - it's not how much you spend on the decorations, it's the symbols they represent that's the important part.

You'll also want something to eat and drink at the end of the ritual. Hot, spiced cider is great, although personally I like hot cocoa. Mulled wine, gently heated on your stove, can be used as well for those of you who prefer the fruit of the vine. Cookies, brownies, spice cakes - any kind of decadent comfort food can be eaten along with this or if you're feeling really enterprising, you could prepare a more traditional feast for yourself and your guests.

Now for the hard part. Turn off all your lights about an hour prior to the ritual. All of them. Allow yourself only one solitary candle on your altar. This is your Yule fire. Not much to protect you from the shadows, but for now it's all you have. When you turn off all the lights, turn off the heat as well. (If you have a baby or really small children in the house, you might want to leave this part out. No sense in risking them getting sick.) The idea is to gain an appreciation for the cold of winter. Open your windows, too. You can wrap yourself in as many sweaters and blankets as you want, but get a real feel for the icy death that this season brings the world.

Keep a vigil around that one solitary flame. If there are more than one of you, feel free to talk and tell stories to pass the time. Sing. Make music - but don't put anything in the CD player. Don't turn on the TV. Leave everything modern and electronic off. The only entertainment you have is what you can make for yourself. In Flanders, families gathered around the Yule fire would tell one another ghost stories and tales of vampires and werewolves. Talk about whatever works for you, or if you're by yourself, just meditate on the candle and the cold.

Now that you're cold and can hardly see anything in your home, call the quarters and cast the circle. Return to the single candle on your altar.

Priestess:
Tonight is the Long Night,
The Darkest Night of the Year.
We gather together to keep safe in the shadows,
To find warmth among friends
And to pray that the darkness
Will soon give way to new light and life.

Reach out and snuff the candle. Remain in silence for a few moments, reflecting on the darkness. We take light for granted in our modern world. Flip a lightswitch and it's there, with just a touch of our finger. How much more potent the darkness would be if there was no electricity, if all we had to rely upon was the sun, our candles, and our fires. Take a moment to be thankful that our lives are as easy as they have become, and think about your ancestors who lived through very different times.

Priestess:
The wind is blowing outside the door.
The birds have long since fled.
All creeping things are huddled deep under ground,
And the Earth brings forth no fruit.
The light has waned.
The fire has gone out.
And we have only one another
To weather the hours before dawn.

Priest:
This is the death that is winter.
This is the longest night of the year.
But death is just a pause between rebirths
And dawn will come after the darkest night.

Strike a match. Hold it a moment before lighting a second candle. Then light the altar candle off the new flame.

Priest:
There is an ember in the ashes.
There is a spark of light in the darkness.
There is warmth to be had
In our home, among friends.
The flame we carry
In our hearts and our spirits
Will overcome this Long Night.

Each person present should find a candle and light it off his flame. Set the candles in various places around the room. Someone should close the windows. Turn the heat back on and bring out the food and drink.

Priestess:
Even in darkness, I will be unafraid
For the light will always return.
The cold death of winter
Gives way to the bounty of spring.
Let the darkness inspire us
To reaffirm our light and our lives.
Let us love, let us sing,
Let our heart-flames burn bright
To stave off the long hours of the night!

Pass the food and the drink around. Talk among yourselves. This is a good time for anyone creative who's present to bring forth some new work and share it with friends. Sing a song someone's composed or read some poetry out loud. Winter is about death and rebirth, and while we cannot force the earth to bring forth fruit, we can be fertile ourselves in our art and in our crafts. Being creative in the dead-time of winter is a powerful way to affirm our own alive-ness. Dismiss the quarters and close the circle, but don't stop enjoying the night and the revelry. If you're by yourself, curl up with some hot cocoa and write in your book of shadows. Or if you really don't think you have a creative bone in your body, grab a book and appreciate someone else's creativity. Remember to put the candles out before you go to bed, and as you snuff each little fire, think upon the warm promise of spring slumbering beneath the snow.

My Friend the Tree
By 'T'

"One day" I said "I will find some place that I will feel as though I fit in." I said this, wistfully to my favourite tree. "Here we are, a clear warm night away from the city lights and smog, watching bright Jupiter and steady Saturn. The moon will be between them just before sunrise I think, What do you think?" I didn't expect a verbal answer, and I didn't get one, but the feeling of agreement was unmistakeable. "By the way, is it just me or is you bark smoother? The past few times I was here it was digging into my back and people at work were asking me about the marks. Yeah I know, the marks are under my shirt. Remember, I told you I'm forced to wear a uniform at work as part of the "have to's" to keep my job, and I get changed in the change room? Well a couple of the guys saw the marks and were asking if my boyfriend or wife or girlfriend had been beating me.  What could I say? I don't have a girlfriend or a boyfriend, and I'll never get married, but I can't tell them that! They think I'm strange enough as it is."

My friend the tree remained silent, but I could tell it was still listening. It's like that, my friend the tree, it seems to be willing to listen to my rambling and bitching and complaining. Ever since I found it, I've been coming up here when I need to 'get away from it all' for a little while. Barely an hour from the city, it's still far enough away that there is clear, as in, not smoggy, air.

As always, I drove up here to visit my friend. I parked my car on the side of the road well away from the pavement. ( one of these days the cops are going to come by) I walked up the hill, and stopped outside the circle of it's roots. " Hello old friend, may I approach?" When I got the sense that I could, I pricked my finger and walked around the tree leaving a couple of drops of blood at each of the cardinal compass points just inside the circle of it's roots. When I had finished the circle I walked around to the east side and then straight in towards the tree. I put my hand against it and rested my forehead on my hand. "Thank you," I said "for accepting me into your space." I knelt down and scraped a shallow trough between two of its south facing knees, dropping the small piece of fish into the hole I covered it and rose to my feet. "Thank you again, my friend." placing both hands on the trees bark I bowed my head and listened to the tree. I 'heard' the sounds of rain and wind, of squirrels and mice, crows and sparrows, grass growing, and sunlight shining. Walking further around I sat in a depression on the west side that fit my butt perfectly. With my back against the tree I noticed the bark seemed to be smoother than usual.

I admit I was distracted and not listening clearly, the lay-off list had come out at work today, so I didn't pick up on the kindness of my friend, smoothing it's bark for me.

"Every year it's the same thing, they bring out the xmas lay-off list right before new years. You know what it says? It says they bring it out early so it doesn't spoil anyone's new year. A week before Samhain and they don't want to spoil new years!"

I sat quietly for a moment remembering the past few years at work.  The logic they use to keep me working at Yule solstice, 'I'm the only one that actually wants to work around that time.' They tell me that, 'Since I'm not a xtian I have no special days around xmas,' they say that ' the solstice isn't REALLY something to celebrate therefore I can work every day plus overtime to fill in so others can go shopping or leave early to visit family.' Every year they say ' you want to be a good team player don't you?'

All that stuff every year, and after their new year and the yearly reviews start I'm told I'm not a team player, because the big boss noticed I wasn't at the xmas party. It's enough to drive me nuts.

I could feel the tree, not curiosity per se but not understanding either. I tried to explain to the tree how it felt to be used and discriminated against. After I wiped my tears on one of it's exposed roots I said "I really appreciate your letting me share your space." and sat silently, letting the peace of the tree calm me down and re-center myself. I realised that self pity wouldn't solve anything, nevertheless, wishing for the freedom of religion that is still only a dream for so many people.

"One day" I said "I will find some place that I will feel as though I fit in."

The Gift
By Mystickally

"Abigail! Wait up!"

Abby turned around to see Kat running towards her, with a gigantic smile on her face.

"Hey there! What's with the happiness?"

Kat sighed loudly, tucking a strand of her black hair behind her ear. She bent over to tie the lace of her boot, an odd fashion combination with her teal-colored scrubs.

"Hey, allow me a few seconds of pleasure, OK? The grades were just posted. It looks like I'll be all right for the semester after all!"  Abby often worried about her friend. Like herself, Katarina Spring was an animal lover and a Veterinary Technology. In spite of her dedication and determination, studying and deadlines didn't appear to be a priority for Kat. Most people had doubted that Kat would make it as far as she had in the program, but with the combination of her intelligence and the support of a professor, she was not only passing, but maintaining a 3.9 average.  Her seemingly innocent voice and attitude were often overlooked because of her dyed hair, cold blue eyes, and her affinity for black clothing.

"I'm happy for you Kat! Did you happen to catch how I did?"

"Puh-lease you did perfect. As usual." Standing upright, Kat once again flashed a bright smile at Abby.

"I knew that paper of yours would get you an A."

Smiling to herself, Abby fell into step wit next to Kat. As they walked down the hallway of the veterinary building Abby was confident that her research into Feline Leukemia would be an effort that would be rewarded in the long run. Abby went beyond the necessary requirements for her paper. She had to! How else would she be able to care for a sick cat? Catsby didn't appear sick at present. He had been diagnosed with the immune suppressing virus only a few weeks ago. Other than a slight upper respiratory infection, Catsby was happy and healthy. The thought of euthanizing him now was out of the question! Abby and Shaene had decided to have Catsby neutered, and would care for him as long as they were blessed to do so. Special precautions were made to accommodate Catsby's needs and happiness. 

He would forever be secluded from the other cats, separated from the others by two glass doors. Visual contact would be their only form of communication. They would never share food or water. They would never sleep together or groom one another. They could cat-chat through the doors and play footsies under the doors. As long as there were no bloodshed or spitball contests, all would be safe. So far, there had been no problems, and everyone seems to love one another. Abby did her best to put aside any morbid thoughts of Catsby's fate. She was quite enamored with the little guy! It was her love for Catsby that prompted her to focus her studies on the research of feline infectious diseases and immune deficiency disorders. The paper she was working on was the first step in her research.

As Abby and Kat stepped outside of the building into the harsh, cold wind, typical of a late November day in Erie. Abby frowned slightly as she remembered that Yule was approaching fast. She knew was that it appeared to be similar to Christmas, is the longest night of the year, when the Goddess gives birth to her son and that a lot of the traditions of Christmas originated from Pagan Yule traditions. Abby had no idea how to celebrate the holiday and wasn't totally comfortable celebrating something she only read about. Abby's thoughts were suddenly disrupted when she was flipped off of her feet and held upside down over the shoulders of an unknown man. Draped over the other shoulder was Kat, kicking and laughing. It took Abby a few moments to realize the unknown man was actually Caleb, an old friend, and Kat's new boyfriend.

"Cal, put me down please. I just ate. I'd rather not spew all over you!"

Laughing, Cal put Abby and Kat down. "You both missed me, admit it."   Kat turned toward him and playfully punched him in the chest to which he responded with a kiss on her cheek. Cal turned to Abby and gave her a big hug. Abby had always had friends who were rather affectionate towards one another; she was glad Kat didn't have a problem with Cal's show of affection.. 

Smiling down at Abby, Cal smoothed back a loose strand of hair from Abby's face, and asked, "So what are the plans for Yule?" Amazed at how well Cal could pick up on her thoughts, Abby responded, "I don't have the slightest idea how to begin to celebrate!" Cal grinned again; "Well then you and Shaene are going to have to spend it with me and Kat. We'll have a riot! Kat wants to know how we Pagans party, well, what better way than to actually see us in action, eh?" Relieved at the invitation, Abby accepted, and thought it must be fate that she had such a good friend who happened to also be Pagan. She hadn't found out about Cal's beliefs until she realized that the pentacle he had worn around his neck since high school actually meant something. When she first told him of her interest in Paganism he had been overjoyed. Cal's father, a Ceremonial Magician had introduced Cal to the study of magick. Cal who hated the term "witch", had eventually pursued an eclectic path. Currently his studies focused on Ceremonial Magick. 

Arriving at Abby and Shaene's apartment, the three of them were greeted with enthusiastic purrs and headbutts from seven curious cats. After a quick cuddle with Catsby, the three of them sat around the dining room table to chat. The dreaded but inevitable question was asked by Kat, "Abby, why do you want to spend the holiday with us rather than with family?" Abby had avoided the topic with Kat, and Cal had been great about dodging the question as well. Abby and Cal exchanged looks. Kat, catching the exchange, stammered apologetically, "I-I'm sorry. Too personal," said Kat

Abby sighed, "No, it's not too personal for you to know. Anyway. It's just, a long story."

Kat often worried about Abby, who ever since her arrival on campus, had appeared to be rather closed off to the world. Everybody loved her, but she had always seemed reluctant to get close to anybody. Kat didn't wish to pry, but she was curious and concerned. As Abby started to tell a condensed version of her life, Tears filled Kat's eyes. Abby's mother and father abandoned her when she was two months old. Her aunt and uncle, with whom they had left her, were abusive. Her parents made occasional appearances as she grew up, but usually only for the holidays. They never offered Abby any monetary or emotional support. Their only contribution to her childhood was abuse and neglect. Abby experienced abuse, both and verbal abuse, not only from her parents, but also from the rest of her family. At 4'11", weighing 97lbs., with dark blue eyes and long black hair, Abby in no way resembled the adjectives that her family usually used to describe her: fat, ugly, and stupid, a girl who would never amount to anything. Abby graduated second in her class, behind a boy with an IQ well above the genius mark! 

Kat was so happy that Abby confided in her. Although there was much more she hadn't yet revealed, at least now Kat understood Abby's need to find an excuse not to go home for the holidays. In spite of all she'd been through, Abby still felt the need to please her "family". Abby had racked her brain for an excuse to give them. She couldn't very well tell them she didn't want to go home, but to tell them she was Pagan? That would be blasphemous! They'd probably beat her to a bloody pulp!

The week before Yule was rather difficult for Abby. She tried for three days to phone her uncle to tell him that she would not be able to come home for the holidays. Nobody answered the phone. She decided to email him instead, giving him the excuse that she would not be able to make the trip home because she had some extra work to do at school and she was scheduled for her rotations straight through the next month or two. (This wasn't entirely an untruth; she really was scheduled for extra work and rotations at the veterinary clinic. She just recently requested it.) 

All seemed well. Abby and Shaene were excited about celebrating their first Yule with Cal and Kat. They decided not to spend money on a fake tree and decorations - poor college students are lucky to even get a meal, after all! Instead, they splurged on gifts. Together, they shopped for clothes for each of them, cat toys and treats for Abby (oh, and for the kitties too, of course,) presents for Cal, Kat, and a few other friends, and cooking paraphernalia for Shaene. Although both knew what each would be getting, they decided to wrap them up anyway, just for the fun of it.

The four of them decided to celebrate on the 25th, because that was the day they were all definitely free from obligations. That morning, around 3 am, Abby was awakened by a persistently ringing phone.. Realizing it was really a phone ringing rather than something in her dream, she stumbled to the phone. Her angry uncle snarled in her ear,  "Why aren't you home yet?"

"Didn't you get my email?" she answered softly.

"Yeah, I got your email. You didn't even have the courtesy to call me and tell me this?!"

Abby answered. This time her voice was stronger. "I tried calling for days! You were never home, and the voice mail never picked up." Her uncle growled again. "Oh come on! That's BULL!"

Abby was shocked. Still sleepy and caught off guard, she didn't know what to say or how to react. Shaene, sleepy-eyed, came in and sat next to Abby and began to rub her shoulders. He was immediately aware of the tension in Abby's body, tension that grew stronger as she spoke into the receiver, "I tried calling, but I never got an answer!" Her uncle was speaking so loudly that Shaene could hear every ughly word he spoke to Abby. "You are a disrespectful, inconsiderate and fat slut, aren't you?"

Abby's face turned pale as the barb of his words found their mark. He always hounded her to lose weight. He once kept her up until 2am when she was about 7 years old because she wasn't doing well in math, and he tried to drill her with word problems. As if THAT would make her learn it! He often disciplined her, at times physically, but he was seldom verbally abusive. It caught her by surprise and left her speechless.  "You go ahead and do what you want. Don't bother coming home!" Her uncle hung up abruptly. 

The sound of the dial tone buzzed in Abby's head for a long time. Ten minutes after the phone call ended, Abby still hadn't put down the receiver, Shaene led her back to the bedroom and sat her down on the bed. Catsby sensed Abby's shock and began purring and rubbing his entire body against her arm. She finally fell into a restless sleep, and woke up 8 hours later to find Shaene baking an apple pie. They both got ready for the get together at Cal's place.

As Shaene and Abby entered Cal's building, smells of eggnog, roasting chestnuts, and other kinds of foods drifted into the hallway from the residents' festivities, filling the building with the fragrance of the holiday. Music was being played and sung all around them from beyond the doors in the hallway. In Cal's apartment, the sounds of Loreena McKennitt and traditional Celtic music played softly in the background. The small group gathered in the apartment, were all good friends with one another. Shaene, Cal, Kat, Cailey, Janie, Josh, Mike and Paul, were chatting and laughing away. Their entire group had met while attending a class together; their friendship progressed from there. The friends had banded together for the holidays, four of them Pagan, the rest a mixed bunch. Although she put on smile to mask her distress, she had a feeling Shaene had already told them about what happened. Abby stared out of the window, watching the snowfall. The roads closed 3 hours earlier because the Sanitation people were having a hard time plowing the snow and keeping it cleared. Six feet of snow had already fallen, and it didn't look like it was going to stop any time soon. All appreciated each other's company of course, but Abby knew they were all trying to decide how to cheer her up. She never could keep anything from them. Sitting separate from the jovial group, lost in her thoughts, Abby jumped when everyone came over to stand beside her. Kat, Cailey and Janie enveloped Abby in a group hug while the guys looked on from behind them. Their warmth comforted Abby.

A few minutes later the silent group embrace was quietly ended as they each began to place dishes of food on the dining table and place wrapped presents under the tree. They each took their own decoration and placed it around the room. Wreaths were hung around the room, as well as mistletoe and garland, and last minute ornaments were hung on the tree. Cal began preparing for a Yule ritual. He set up a small altar and dimmed the lights. Altar candles were carefully placed at each corner of the altar, marking the directions of North, South, East, and West. Everybody concentrated on Cal's movements. As he finished the altar set-up, Kat asked. "So, are we witnessing ceremonial magic?"  Still concentrating, Cal shakes his head no. "I only started studying with my father recently. I don't feel comfortable enough to do anything without guidance." Cal explained the order of the ritual, lit the incense and candles, and began the ritual as everyone sat down around the altar.

Cal touched a bunch of nuts and grains and said, "This is for fertility and luck."

Looking up at everyone, he quipped, "If anyone wants to have a baby, better speak up now!"

The women tried not to laugh and affected a glare at Cal. With a cocky grin on his face, he turned back to the altar to resume the ritual. As Cal lit each candle he stated its meaning. Lighting the red candle he said, "For fertility and life." Cal next performed a protection of the circle, welcomed the Goddess and spoke a blessing for the birth of Her son and gave thanks. 

Thinking the ritual had ended Abby was surprised when Cal began to light another candle, a blue one. Abby curiously wondered what he was doing? This wasn't part of the ritual. "This is for peace, tranquility, and protection." He followed this with the lighting of a purple candle.  "This is for independence."

Lighting the last candle, on of silver, he said, "This is to remove negativity and encourage stability."

Giving Abby a kiss on the cheek, Cal says: "And this is what we wish for you. Perfect love and Perfect Trust." As he spoke this, everyone surrounded Abby for another group hug. Cal says: "Now you're free. No more pain. You can consider all of us your family." Abby's eyes welled up with tears, as she realized that her best friends were surrounding her with so much love.

Kat handed Abby a little red pouch. Noticing Abby's confusion, Kat explained that it was filled with protective herbs: Lavender for protection, ragweed for courage, sage for wisdom, St. John's Wort for health, strength, and happiness, and jasmine for love and money. Abby gave Kat a puzzled look at the last pronouncement. Kat smiled and says: "The money bit was my idea. A gal can never have too much cash around, especially if she suddenly needs an ice cream sundae!"

Moved by the Yule gift her sisters and brothers had given her, tears flowed unchecked down Abby's cheeks. Once again they entered a group embrace, holding each other quietly listening to the sounds of the holiday. Abby felt at peace. She had indeed gone "home" for the holiday.

Dragon Circle
By Vixen Deamantra

Golden are the tones of the bardic singing dragon.
From the mountains to the sea, hear her cries of hearth and home. 
Neverending, always searching for the perfect way to reach us
She rides her minstrel dragon as her siren spellsong grows.

Water dragon rises sharply from deep among the ocean's depths.
Where time has lost all meaning, visions come at her behest. 
By regressing, she progresses through time's winding open door.
And she rides her questing dragon as her psychic insight grows. 

Velvet skies and grassy fields are earth dragon's sacred space.
Given to her by the spirits that she guides each soul to face.
Always gentle, with compassion, she will ease the weary home. 
And she rides her emerald dragon as her bond with spirit grows.

In the south the fire dragon screams, demanding independence.
While she uses unleashed power to heal the world's greatest woes.
She draws the needy to her like the moth goes to the ember,
And she rides her fiery dragon as her healing power grows.

There is one who weaves the fates of the mortal lives she touches.
For she shapeshifts like the fox in the mundane world below,
In the void she is the crow, seeing natural law with wonder.
And she rides her chaos dragon while life's passion in her grows.

We are the dragon sisters, five souls bonded to each other
In a circle that is open, but is bound around by love.
We sing the songs of life; healing, speaking, feeling, weaving.
And with our dragons in the night, we dance among the stars above, 

Vixen Deamantra
11/15/1999

Experiencing the Subtle Reality
By Michelle Belanger
Setanankhu@aol.com
SongOfWisdom@aol.com

The subtle reality is a strange and fascinating "place." A part of our reality and yet separate from it, the subtle reality weaves in and out of our awareness like smoke or fog. Through our interactions with the subtle reality, it is clear that it functions upon a set of laws, but the most we seem to know about these laws is that they are nothing like those which govern our physical reality. Yet if it is so complex and hard to comprehend, how do we perceive the subtle reality? Although it is not easy, it is very simple - we listen, not with our ears but with our whole selves.

The easiest step toward perceiving the subtle reality is to gain a perception of your own subtle self. If you practice meditation or some form of martial art, you may know how to do this already, even if you really didn't understand what you were doing before now.

Find some quiet time in your schedule. Put on some loose, comfortable clothes and lay down. You want some place comfortable to do this, but not so comfortable that you'll fall asleep. You may want some soothing music playing in the background - just loud enough to be heard, not loud enough to distract. If there's a particular type of incense you feel helps you relax and concentrate better, burn a little of that as well. If you have trouble remembering the visualization, you may want to read it into a tape and play it back for yourself. Try to use an even, soothing tone if you do this, as if you are trying to put someone to sleep with your voice.

Subtle Body Visualization-
Lay either with your hands spread out loosely at your sides (palms up) or clasped upon your chest. I lay my hands at my sides because they tend to fall asleep in any other position. Your legs can be held loosely together or crossed at the ankles. Make sure you're comfortable.

First, concentrate on your breathing. Close your eyes and focus on each and every breath. Feel the air being pulled into your body and feel it leave. As you gain a solid awareness of your breathing, start to feel your heart as well. Feel the rhythm of your heart and lungs moving in counterpoint. Try to expand your awareness to feel your blood as it is pumped through your body by your heart. Feel everything all at once: heart, breath, lungs, blood. Begin to picture a gathering brightness in your chest. Each time you inhale, it grows brighter. It dims a little as you exhale. Keeping the rhythm of heart and lungs in the back of your mind, start to focus on this light within you.

Once you can see the light inside your chest with your mind's eye, try and see if you can feel it there as well. Every time you breathe, every time your heart pulses, this light grows stronger, warmer. It is stronger and brighter at your center, but now that you notice it, you see that it extends throughout your whole body. The light is carried by the vessels of your blood, running down your torso to your legs, traveling all the way down to the tips of your toes. It travels across to your arms, down to your fingers. It pulses up your neck to your head, filling the space behind your eyes.

Maintain an awareness of your breathing and your heart in the back of your mind. Both rhythms should be very deep and regular now. You will probably also begin to feel a tingling in your body. It may start at your hands or your feet, but it will probably spread all over. It should feel very relaxing, very pleasant -- almost like you're floating. 

As you focus on the light within you, you will notice that there are certain places in your body where it is brighter than others. It seems to gather in these places. There is the main sphere of light in your chest, next to your heart. Another sphere gathers in your belly, just under the navel. There is another concentration further down, resting within your genitals. A line of light connects all of these, running parallel to your spine. Above the sphere in your chest you will feel / see one in your throat, and finally, following the spine of light all the way to your crown, you will see one in the center of your head, behind and slightly above your eyes, so bright it seems to spill out of the top of your head.

Take some time to feel these centers of light inside of you. You are still aware of your blood flowing through your body, so notice how these centers are affected by your pulse and your bloodflow. Tiny filaments of light stretch away from every center, twisting, connecting, branching out, filling you with a delicate, glowing, webwork of light. Every time you breathe in, you can feel it down to the tiniest filament. Every time your blood flows, you can feel life running along every channel in your body.

Feel the tingling spread throughout your body. Feel it pulse in rhythm with your heart and your lungs. Feel everything inside of you all at once, and try to keep that whole awareness in the front of your mind. Let go for a while and just be. If you feel yourself drift away from your body a little, go with it. You are not so tied to your body that you cannot leave it. You are light, vibrant, lighter than air - your eyes are closed, but you can see everything inside of you at once.

Lay back and just experience this for a while. When you feel you are finished, give yourself some time to come back down to ordinary reality. You may feel a little dizzy or light-headed if you sit up too fast, so take it slow for a while. Once you are done with the exercise, see if you cannot recall that state of whole-body awareness.   Try closing your eyes and "seeing" the wheels of light deep inside. These are the centers of your subtle body. They are like organs, and they are vital to the functioning of both your physical and your subtle selves. The many little channels that branch off from them are analogous to nerve ganglia and blood vessels, and they help transport your subtle energy throughout your body. 

Seeing Beyond Your Self-
Once you are satisfied with your ability to sense your own subtle body, try extending your awareness to include the whole room. You can use the subtle body visualization as a starting point. Once you have a strong sense of your own subtle body, extend your senses outside of yourself. Keep your eyes closed, but listen / feel with that same quality that allowed you to sense the wheels of light inside yourself. First, try to get a sense of the room around you. You are probably already familiar with the physical lay-out of the room, but how does it feel differently from this perspective? Is your awareness drawn to a certain area of the room? Do you feel any presence beyond yourself? You may not feel any spirits in the room right now, but there's nothing wrong with that. Sensing spirits is not the main focus of this exercise. This is just to get you used to listening.

Once you feel the room around you, try to expand your awareness to the house or building you are in. You won't necessarily see everything going on in the room downstairs with perfect clarity. The subtle sense are not always as clear-cut as that. Rather, you will get fleeting impressions of the places beyond. Sounds which may have been distant moments before may begin to seem nearer and clearer. You may see images flash before your mind's eye. Try to focus on each one as it comes to you. Analyse it. Try to determine whether it is something coming from your imagination or a legitimate impression from the building around you. You may not "see" images at all but instead feel emotions, sensations, or even smells. Open yourself up to anything that you might experience. Take it as it comes. Don't doubt the impression, but analyse it. Is it real? Is it coming from outside your own mind? Can you place where in the building it's coming from? Can you determine who or what is making the impression? Is it something from the present, happening now, or something that happened in the past and lingers here?

Things get very uncertain once you move into the realm of subtle perception. Your subtle senses don't really "see" things or "hear" them. Sight and hearing are just convenient metaphors so your mind can more easily translate the information. If you expect your perceptions to be as clear and obvious as physical sight and hearing, you will be looking so hard, you will miss the real perceptions. On the other hand, you have to be careful what impressions you accept as legitimate. Since so much of the subtle reality can be influenced by a mere thought, it becomes nigh impossible to differentiate between a legitimate impression and your own imagination. The only way to distinguish between the two is practice and experience.

Each time you do an exercise, write down your impressions afterward. Use the journal to analyse impressions. Note how strong a certain impression was. Try to record the images or feelings that presented themselves to you. This is also a good place to note those impressions that you weren't very sure about. When you do the exercise again, you can go back through your journal and see if anything resurfaced. Sometimes those quiet, elusive impressions turn out to be very important. If you don't record them, you might forget you even had them. At first, you will probably be very unsure of yourself. As you record more and more sessions in your journal, you will be able to look back and watch your confidence grow. Also, by compiling your impressions, you will get a clear idea of what "language" the subtle reality speaks to you in. Not everyone gets mental images or a clear sense of an emotion. Everyone's experience is different, and only by experimenting will you really learn how things will work for you.

Moving Forward-
After you do this exercise in your room or apartment for a while, you're liable to get bored. After all, there are only so many subtle impressions you can get around the house. Unless you are very lucky (or very unlucky, depending on your perspective) you probably do not live in a haunted locale and spirits are probably not breaking down your door for you to reach out and sense them.

So where's a good place to go out hunting spirits? Your first response might be to go check out a local cemetery, but there usually aren't as many ghosts to be found in cemeteries as most people ordinarily believe. If not a cemetery, where else, then? One of the best places I found for lingering subtle impressions is the art museum. Many of the older pieces possess a spirit all their own. The weight of the centuries is almost palpable on certain items and you can often feel the impressions of various owners lingering still - like subtle body fingerprints. Some of the more potent items are statues that were once used in temples. Icons of gods or holy men, these statues practically breathe with a life of their own. Day after day, they were worshipped, and the worshippers infused the statue with their belief of the being it represented. All of that emotion, focused by so many people on one thing, tends to build up. It lingers. Sometimes, a spirit responded to this ceaseless attention, inhabiting the stone of the image in order to better feed off the adoration. Other times, the act of worship itself created an entity, and this being is still tied to the statue.  In some rare cases, a statue was made with the express aim of putting a spirit into it, most often so it could be used as a guardian. I've encountered several Oriental statues like this, mostly things from ancient China, India, or Japan. 

The Oriental section of the Cleveland Art Museum is an excellent place to find "spirited" art. I have often taken my students there to exercise their subtle perceptions. I know where the most potent items are located, and I will take my group on a roundabout tour, letting them sense the articles for themselves. It's always a little thrilling to watch someone stop suddenly at a certain statue and stare as it almost moves and seems to smile a bit more broadly. I have each person describe their impression before I reveal what I've sensed from the item. We almost always agree, which helps us trust our impressions in the future and reaffirms what a legitimate impression feels like.

If you do go to an art museum to test your impressions, you may be tempted to reach out and touch the items that call to you. Although physical touch often amplifies the subtle impression of an object, museums tend to frown on people that grope their artwork. So use discretion. Most museum pieces are under glass anyway, so you couldn't touch them even if you wanted to. 

You may want to make several trips to the same museum and keep a journal of your impressions. Note the location of the more potent items and see if, in later visits, they have anything more to reveal to you. If you get an impression that you can pin down to a specific time period or a specific place, try to do some research on the piece of artwork or the culture it came from. You can let an impression stand by itself, but I find it very helpful to back the impression up with fact. The hardest part about sensing the subtle reality is learning to trust your impressions. Finding an outside source that agrees with your impressions gives you the proof you may need to trust yourself more fully. As you verify your impressions, you may learn some interesting information about a particular time-period or culture that will prove useful farther down the line. Many times in the past I have been drawn inexplicably toward a certain piece of artwork or a certain figure in history only to have these things figure strongly in my own path months or even years later. You never know where your studies will lead you, or what inconsequential tidbit of information will lead to a great revelation at some later stage in your life. The point with the art museum exercise is to practice and hone your perceptions, but hopefully, you'll enrich yourself while doing it, too.

Witness
By Beata

The Moon still shines down,
just like on Joan of Arc,
on Montezuma,
on Columbus.

The Moon, witness to our history,
is audience to our story.
Cycling endlessly through space,
watching
our progress, without comment.
Accepting our choices
with dignity and demure
beauty.

Looking up 
I see the same sacred sillouette as all those come and gone before me.
Their memories traverse blood.
I navigate, sense their mysterious knowing on my inner sea,
deep in DNA.
(a technical term for soul)
For information,
the Moon watches, waits for us
to see her;
to know ourselves.

Constant, she is,
timeless.
Present through our myths played out;
present and witness to war, bloodshed, pain.
'Be here now' she shyly shines.
Stately in her gaze, she was,
as flood drown most humans.

She cries silent,
witness to choices.
No power of her own
unless connected to us;
Our earth hearts,
Our memories,
Our power.
Moon cries Mercy,
Again.